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<h1><a href="https://archiveofourown.org/works/26958280">how can I hurt when holding you?</a> by <a class='authorlink' href='https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkkenobi/pseuds/drunkkenobi'>drunkkenobi</a></h1>

<table class="full">

<tr><td><b>Category:</b></td><td>Buzzfeed Unsolved (Web Series), Watcher Entertainment RPF</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Genre:</b></td><td>Drunk Sex, Hand Jobs, M/M, Too Many Spirits, also too many feelings</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Language:</b></td><td>English</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Status:</b></td><td>Completed</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Published:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Updated:</b></td><td>2020-10-11</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Packaged:</b></td><td>2021-05-06 19:15:30</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Rating:</b></td><td>Explicit</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Warnings:</b></td><td>No Archive Warnings Apply</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Chapters:</b></td><td>1</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Words:</b></td><td>2,581</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Publisher:</b></td><td>archiveofourown.org</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Story URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/works/26958280</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Author URL:</b></td><td>https://archiveofourown.org/users/drunkkenobi/pseuds/drunkkenobi</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Summary:</b></td><td><div class="userstuff">
              <p>Ryan and Shane finally reconnect after filming Too Many Spirits.</p>
            </div></td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Relationships:</b></td><td>Ryan Bergara/Shane Madej</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Comments:</b></td><td>34</td></tr>

<tr><td><b>Kudos:</b></td><td>323</td></tr>

</table>

<a name="section0001"><h2>how can I hurt when holding you?</h2></a>
<div class="story"><div class="fff_chapter_notes fff_head_notes"><b>Author's Note:</b><blockquote class="userstuff">
      <p>So, I have Too Many Feelings about Too Many Spirits. This is just one of the hundred versions I hope the fandom writes of that night and of them seeing each other in person for the first time since March.</p>
<p>FYI, covid is not mentioned by name but the circumstances of quarantining and all that jazz is.</p>
<p>Big thanks to the book club for being very kind when I shared a rough version of this. And another big thanks to Eva for the beta. Title from Neil Diamond's "Sweet Caroline".</p>
    </blockquote></div><div class="userstuff module">
    
    <p>The shoot was a complete fucking blast. Getting to film in person with Steven and Shane for the first time in half a year was better than any immersive roller coaster or haunted attraction Ryan had ever ridden. The chemistry had crackled all night, through every shitty cocktail and bonkers ghost story, keeping the bonfire alive even when the lighter fluid didn’t. For one long, glorious moment, Ryan let himself live in the present without worrying about everything that was going on in the world and just do one of his favorite things in the world: arguing with Shane about ghosts.</p>
<p>Getting drunk also helped.</p>
<p>After filming wrapped, Steven loaded all of the gear into his Tesla, safe from the boozy ghoul boys, and grinned at them.</p>
<p>“The fans are gonna love this. I think we really hit gold here.”</p>
<p>Shane snickered. “You would know, Mr. Gold Eater.”</p>
<p>“Gold Eater? Weaksauce,” Steven said, shaking his head. “You two really are blasted.”</p>
<p>“Thanks to you, buddy boy,” Ryan grinned, raising his nearly-empty glass. “Next time we’ll have a full crew and you can join us.”</p>
<p>“I hope so,” Steven said. “Shane, you want a ride home?”</p>
<p>“No, I’ll get a ride or something.”</p>
<p>“Mom said you could stay,” Ryan said, suddenly remembering the offer his parents had told him about four times over the last six hours. “My room is far enough from theirs, it’s safe.”</p>
<p>“Oh. You sure?” Shane asked as he tried to pull his hat down more securely onto his head, but like most hats and Shane Madej’s noggin, it didn’t work.</p>
<p>“Yeah. We both tested negative, so they said it was okay.”</p>
<p>“Alright, well, drink some water you two,” Steven said with a wave as he headed towards his car.</p>
<p>“Then you should’ve served us some, buckaroo!” Shane yelled after him.</p>
<p>Ryan cracked up, holding his stomach. Needling Steven was so much better in person.</p>
<p>Ryan and Shane cleaned up as best they could, which meant they dumped a bunch of empty glasses in their lawn chairs all while Shane warbled “Sweet Caroline” for no discernible reason. They’d clean up better in the morning and buy Ryan’s parents some fancy breakfast pastries as thanks for letting them commandeer the backyard all day and night. </p>
<p>When they were done, Ryan showed Shane up to his room.</p>
<p>It was always a little weird, being back in here. His parents kept it (and Jake’s) like a time capsule of 2008: Lakers shit everywhere, childhood trophies, high school sports photos, even a project on Japan he’d done in 8th grade was still hanging in a corner. Two decades of his life were in here.</p>
<p>And now so was Shane.</p>
<p>“Ryan, serious question. What’s your favorite basketball team?” Shane asked with a smirk.</p>
<p>“Shove it up your ass.”</p>
<p>“Never heard of ‘em, what city are they from?”</p>
<p>“Schaumburg, Illinois.”</p>
<p>Shane wheezed, the lines around his eyes deeper than Ryan remembered. “Schaumburg’s too cool for b-ball, baby.”</p>
<p>“Nah, just a reminder of how <em>not</em> cool it is.”</p>
<p>Shane flopped down on Ryan’s bed, hands running over the Lakers comforter. “That’s my home you’re talking about, Bergoogoo.”</p>
<p>“If it’s so great then you wouldn’t have moved <em>here</em>,” Ryan teased, throwing a shaka in Shane’s direction. “LA all day, baby.”</p>
<p>Shane didn’t smile this time. He was very intent on tracing over the Lakers logo with his finger. “This will be the first year I’m never there. Ever. In my life.”</p>
<p>Ryan’s next dig died in his throat. Fuck. He hadn’t thought of that. “Oh shit. God, that sucks. I’m sorry, I was just goofin’, man.”</p>
<p>“I know, it’s okay.” Shane pushed his long hair out of his face just for it to fall back down in his eyes. “It just sucks, you know?”</p>
<p>Ryan took a step towards him. “Yeah, it does.”</p>
<p>“You get to see them. I know it’s not as often as you’re used to, but you can see them and be here,” Shane continued. He didn’t sound angry or bitter; his voice was soft, wistful almost. “It’s good you can. You’d be even crazier if you couldn’t.”</p>
<p>Ryan let out a quiet chuckle as he took another step. “Oh, most definitely.”</p>
<p>“It’s weird, being in another house. I haven’t, not at all, since March.” Shane knocked on the side of his head. “It’s good, though. Good for the ol’ brain.”</p>
<p>Two steps. Ryan was within six feet, less than a Shane away. </p>
<p>“It is. We should’ve done this sooner.”</p>
<p>“I mean, it’s okay that we didn’t. I like being safe and I know you do too. But I am glad we did—oh, hi.” Shane looked up at him, surprised that Ryan was standing right next to the bed. “You broke the bubble.”</p>
<p>This close, Ryan could see the line of tension running through Shane’s body, from his taut shoulders down to his locked ankles. Ryan had a hunch that he was the first person to be this close to Shane in months.</p>
<p>“Shane, when was the last time you touched someone that wasn’t Obi?”</p>
<p>“I...I don’t know.” His voice cracked and so did Ryan’s heart.</p>
<p>Ryan held out his hand. “C’mon, big guy.”</p>
<p>Shane stared at Ryan’s fingers. “Are you sure?”</p>
<p>Maybe with a clearer mind, Ryan would’ve had a second thought, would’ve debated himself over it until he had a stomachache. Or maybe the hope in Shane’s eyes would’ve broken him anyway. </p>
<p>“Yeah. C’mon.”</p>
<p>Shane laid his hand in Ryan’s, tentative and with a slight tremble. In return, Ryan gripped back like a vice and pulled Shane up into a standing hug.</p>
<p>They had never been big huggers. A quick pat on the shoulder, an intricate and truly secret handshake, a playful elbow to the ribs, those were the usual ways they had touched over the past six years. But that was before they spent six months apart.</p>
<p>Ryan squeezed his arms around Shane, holding him as close as he ever had. The real, flesh and blood Shane, smelling of cheap liquor and campfire, held him close in return, his long arms wrapped around Ryan’s back and his face pressed into Ryan’s hair. They passed the normal length of time for a hug and then some, just standing in Ryan’s childhood bedroom, clinging to each other like barnacles.</p>
<p>“Where it began, I can't begin to knowing, but then I know it's growing strong,” Shane sang, his voice as soft as a feather. “Was in the spring, and spring became the summer.”</p>
<p>“Who'd have believed you'd come along?” Ryan joined in, pulling back just enough to grin up at him. </p>
<p>Shane wiggled his hips and his eyebrows in tandem. “Hands…touching hands.”</p>
<p>While keeping one hand around Shane’s back, Ryan held the other up, waiting for Shane to take it. “Reaching out.”</p>
<p>For once in his fucking life, Shane got the hint and clasped their hands together. “Touching me, touching youuuuu.”</p>
<p>Together, they warbled the chorus, belting out “Sweet Caroline” at full drunken volume as they shimmied around Ryan’s room. Ryan had never been much of a dancer, so he let Shane lead, his hand pressed firmly against the small of Ryan’s back. They fucked up the next verse, neither of them knowing the lyrics, so they went back to the chorus, belting “Sweet Caroline…do do do...good times never seemed so good” over and over at each other. </p>
<p>“Sweet ghoul boy Ry,” Shane sang as he unexpectedly dipped Ryan. “Good times never seemed so good.”</p>
<p>Ryan laughed and grabbed the back of Shane’s neck to hold on. “Ghoul boy Ry? Nice one.”</p>
<p>“It rhymes, sorta,” Shane smiled, still holding him in the dip. His hair was so long that Ryan couldn’t see him properly. He needed to see him properly again.</p>
<p>Ryan let go of Shane’s hand to tuck the strands behind his ear, but there was too much hair and not enough ear, so Ryan just held it back with his fingers, his palm hot against Shane’s cheek. </p>
<p>His face flushing red, Shane pulled Ryan back up. He loosened his grip on the back of Ryan’s shirt, but Ryan did no such thing to Shane’s hair. He vividly remembered the last time he’d touched Shane’s hair, one of the only times in fact, was also one of the last times he’d seen him in person. They’d done an Instagram promo for Unsolved, reading an Edgar Allan Poe poem and being jackasses about it, their usual schtick. Ryan had grabbed a fistful of Shane’s hair to prove some point about hair strength or something. It was a quick, stupid bit that felt like a lifetime ago now. He wasn’t going to let go so easily this time.</p>
<p>“Ryan,” Shane said softly, his eyes closing.</p>
<p>“Let’s sit,” Ryan said. He wasn’t going to let Shane run away from this.</p>
<p>Shane sat on the end of the bed, but Ryan didn’t join him. He stood in front of him, his fingers still carding themselves through Shane’s hair. This still wasn’t close enough. Ryan needed to see everything he couldn’t through a computer screen. </p>
<p>He pushed back on Shane’s shoulders until he laid down and followed him onto the bed, his knees on either side of Shane’s waist. Finally, he had the view he’d been waiting for.</p>
<p>Hair spread out on a pillow, eyelashes dark and fluttering, stubble imperfectly shaved, he looked better than Ryan could ever remember. Ryan pressed his thumb to the corner of Shane’s eye, right on his freckle. He had forgotten about that freckle. How could he have forgotten?</p>
<p>Ryan was so focused on looking at Shane, he didn’t notice Shane’s hand until it was in his hair, his fingers delicately wrapping the curls around themselves. Ryan leaned into his touch, a silent plea to not let go.</p>
<p>“I missed you,” Ryan whispered.</p>
<p>“Me too.”</p>
<p>Ryan felt wetness on his thumb where he was rubbing small circles against Shane’s freckle. He paused, more surprised than anything. Shane wasn’t a crier, never had been.</p>
<p>“Fuck. Sorry,” Shane said, going to rub at his eyes, but Ryan stopped him, grasping his hand. </p>
<p>“Don’t.” He squeezed Shane’s hand. “It’s okay.”</p>
<p>Shane closed his eyes again, obviously not convinced. “Booze, y’know.”</p>
<p>Ryan ignored his excuse. “It’s okay, Shane. It’s okay.”</p>
<p>He kept repeating it as he pressed his forehead to Shane’s, his own heart thumping. “It’s okay. It’s okay.”</p>
<p>A hand gripped onto Ryan’s curls. “Okay.”</p>
<p>If one of them moved in first, Ryan would never know. One second they were sharing breath and the next it was more. Their lips moved insistently against each other, teeth clacking as they found a rhythm. Ryan hadn’t been kissed in more than half a year and the touch of someone else’s mouth alone was nearly overwhelming, never matter the fact that it was <em>Shane</em>’<em>s</em> mouth. He could feel his dick hardening, but he didn’t want to stop kissing Shane long enough to do anything about it. </p>
<p>Then Shane shoved his hand up Ryan’s shirt and Ryan realized they could be touching way more than they already were.</p>
<p>He scrambled to get out of his t-shirt while Shane struggled with the buttons on his plaid shirt. Always with the button-ups, this guy. Ryan got too impatient and pulled it up over Shane’s head, even as Shane protested.</p>
<p>“Hey! You’re gonna rip it!”</p>
<p>“Jesus, another shirt underneath this? Are you a never-nude?” Ryan teased as he pulled at the hem of Shane’s undershirt. “It’s okay, this is a safe space.”</p>
<p>“I’ll show you never-nude,” Shane muttered, tossing his shirts off the bed before working on his pants.</p>
<p>Just as quickly as the mood had turned to jokes, it flipped back the moment Shane shoved his pants and underwear down. There was nothing funny about his hard, flushed cock.</p>
<p>Without giving it a second thought, Ryan licked his palm and wrapped his hand around Shane’s cock. Shane groaned, arching his back, his hands scrambling to grab onto whatever parts of Ryan he could reach. Ryan stroked him slowly, savoring the heat of someone else’s dick for the first time in so long, letting the warmth seep into his fingertips and travel to the rest of his body. </p>
<p>“Ryan, wait,” Shane gasped, his fingers digging into Ryan’s arms.</p>
<p>He stopped immediately, anxiety turning that warmth ice cold. “Is this—I thought—fuck, sorry—”</p>
<p>“No no no, just,” Shane swallowed, tugging on Ryan’s arms. “Come back up here.” And then he added in a whisper so faint Ryan almost didn’t hear it. “Please.”</p>
<p>It was a rare thing, Shane asking for something. He could barely ask someone to pass the salt in the best of circumstances. Even rarer was the idea that Ryan would ever deny him.</p>
<p>He laid down next to Shane, stealing half of his pillow, and urged him onto his side. “Like this.”</p>
<p>Shane obliged, leaning in for a quick kiss. “Better.”</p>
<p>Ryan couldn’t help but smile at that. “You big softie.”</p>
<p>Before Shane could argue, Ryan wrapped his hand back tightly around him. He groaned, gripping onto Ryan’s shoulder. It didn’t take long for precome to spill from the tip, easing Ryan’s way. Ryan couldn’t blame him, he was almost there himself and he was still in his shorts. Distance may make the heart grow fonder, but it also made the dick come faster.</p>
<p>“You feel so good, Shane,” Ryan murmured as he felt Shane’s nails dig into his skin. “I’m so glad it’s you. C’mon, please, wanna feel you.”</p>
<p>“<em>Ryan</em>,” Shane gasped as he came all over Ryan’s stomach.</p>
<p>Ryan left kisses all over Shane’s face as he stroked him through it. “There you go, I got you, big guy.”</p>
<p>“Jesus Christ. I almost forgot what that was like,” Shane said in between deep breaths. </p>
<p>“Same.” Ryan pushed his shorts and underwear down far enough to pull out his aching dick. He was already leaking, so turned on by just touching Shane. </p>
<p>“No, hey, wait, I wanna,” Shane said, pushing Ryan’s hand away from his dick. The moment he got a hand on him, tears pricked at the corner of Ryan’s eyes. Everything hit him at once, the lingering smell of firewood, the honey from Shane’s chapstick on his own lips, the tightness of his grip, Shane’s singing echoing in his ears, that fucking eye freckle…</p>
<p>Ryan hadn’t been waiting six months. </p>
<p>He had been waiting for this for six years.</p>
<p>Pressing his face into Shane’s collarbone, Ryan came, his toes curling so hard he almost got a cramp. Shane helped him through it, whispering sweetness into his hair. When he was done, Ryan wiped them off haphazardly with his own underwear before tossing it away. He didn’t give a shit about cleaning up, he was not letting go of Shane for anything in the world right now.</p>
<p>“So, I think we broke the bubble,” Shane said after a few minutes.</p>
<p>Ryan snorted. “We destroyed it.”</p>
<p>“We’ll have to stay away from everyone for a couple weeks.”</p>
<p>“Yeah, but it’ll be easier now,” Ryan said as he stroked his thumb over Shane’s neck.</p>
<p>Shane raised an eyebrow. “How’s that?”</p>
<p>“I can stay with you.”</p>
<p>The eye freckle almost disappeared into a crinkle. “Yeah?”</p>
<p>“If that’s okay? It’s okay if it’s not, I know—”</p>
<p>Shane interrupted him with a kiss. “It’s okay, Ryan.”</p>
<p>As they held each other, Ryan knew one thing for sure: whether it was six years, six months, or six feet, nothing was going to keep them apart ever again. </p>
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